Death Didn't Take You Away

Many years ago I wrote you a letter. I cant remember what it said, or where I put it...just that is was the most important and life changing piece of paper that I ever held. I put it in an envelope and I started to form a plan to safely ensure that I could say my peace. You never got to read it, I never got to send it. This world just couldn't let you stay. What would I tell you now? I would tell you that my whole life there was a hole inside of me. Something like the way a flame burns paper, it just kept growing and evolving in a singed untamed mess. Somehow when you died you seemed more attainable, closer than ever before. I would shuffle my preset radio stations asking the next song to be from you, a message...something to fill the blank. Staring at mirrors for what seemed like hours in a trance, watching my own face melt before my tired eyes and just hoping to find a glimpse of you in myself. When I was lonely and lost I would drive to your grave, sometimes in the middle of the night, and sit there. I never said a word, and it never made me feel any more whole. I never blamed you, even when I was supposed to, for the way my life played out. Things all work out and our hearts and fate lead us right where we should be. I'm all grown up and the wound is still there, but I no longer need you to heal it. Yet sometimes I wish you could see, I wonder what you would think, and I hurt because I know you can't. Would you be proud of who I am and embrace all my quirks, sensitivity and insanity?  I like to think that death took you to a place where you can see me and appreciate all that you've made possible. To be honest, when Im all alone driving at night and there are no other cars on the road, I pick a star and I claim it as you. I assume that star is shining brighter than any of the other stars specifically for me. Its silly, its childish, but it gets me through.

Happy December

"Mommy, I learned about the baby Jesus today", my 3 year old daughter says proudly upon returning from preschool. "Yeah, they didn't have room for him so they made him stay on the farm". After the initial shock and feeling like my daughter had just told me where babies come from, I had a good laugh. The fact of the matter is my children don't know the origin of Christmas. Some of you may agree and I'm sure many of you disagree, however the bottom line is this : They know the MEANING of the holiday season. Well, at least Autumn does, and Jude will in time. They know the warm feelings that come with decorating the house when it's cold and uncomfortable outside. They know the excitement of Santa and our new favorite, the elf on the shelf. Most importantly they know that it is a time for giving to others and showing your love. This year we went through all the toys and made donations before Christmas and I think that will be a tradition every year. After hearing "I want, I want, I'm gonna get, I need to have" several times I finally sat Autumn down and had a long talk with her about gifts at Christmas time. She understood quickly and can tell you now that Christmas is about giving. We may not be a religious family but I know I am very drawn to tradition, and would never deny our children those joys. Our tree is up, Our stockings are hung and were decorated with close friends. Presents are stacked in my closet and we are baking cookies on Wednesday. I've never been more excited about Christmas than I am this year and I have to thank my little monsters for that. While I was explaining the meaning of Christmas and reliving traditions while making new ones my kids didn't even realize that they were teaching me a whole new meaning to it as well. So no matter what you celebrate or how you celebrate it, Happy togetherness, Happy cookie eating, Joyful Giving and Merry Everything! Stay warm, stay Hopeful, and love each other....because in a week we'll all be back to selfish miserable grumps again LOL.