Like anything I do I showed you my whole world. The fun, the silly, the wild. The sad stories and darkest memories. I let you in on quirks and jokes and little flaws and quickly opened the flood gates to the pain. I let it pour out and stain you. Tarnishing everything in its path but it always washed away...until it didn't. I can be overcome easily just thinking about the beginning, before you knew how difficult it could be. I felt powerful, amazing, strong and worthy...because you didn't know I wasn't yet. Maybe I never showed that. Maybe I never even felt that way, but the memory Ive created of us back then would be stronger than the truth. We were picturesque. A legend to be shared through the ages. Inseparable. Most remarkably, telling the story from where I am now...I was amazing. I shined like a star. I had light, true unmistakeable light that everyone could see pouring from my very soul
It wasn't amazing for you. I let it decay without even noticing it. The light stopped shining and I walked around in the dark with an internal navigation system that seemed to click on like it had already been used many times. My writing darkened, my painting stopped. I looked at a perfect body of fresh possibilities and sliced it open to feel alive. I began to hate everything that lived in me so much that i forgot how to love anything at all. This part of the story transcends time. Its not singular...a repetitive event that I'm cursed to relive no matter how hard I would try to avoid it. Sometimes I can make it years, sometimes only weeks. But the darkness creeps in and without warning it chips away at our perfect story. We recover, and many years later after having fallen many times I still couldnt tell you at what price.
I live exclusively to find that same light that I radiated so long ago. Selfishly trying to find a purpose bigger than cleaning the house and teaching lessons on washing your hands properly. I am a person with depth and soul. I am more than a physical body on a conveyor belt on the assembly line of the american dream. I've gone from rule breaking to rule making. My everything has been crushed and my spirit is nearly dead. I wasn't built to last in a world like this but I hang on because I've never been one to start something without finishing it.That brings us to my greatest flaw, doesn't it? I would compromise anything for a life with you. I have compromised my everything for the life I thought you would want.
You didn't want this. In a heightened glowing portion of our fairy tale we took steps down a path we didn't fit the mold for. A stronger version of myself would have broken that mold and done things much differently. I would have married you in a field wearing whatever I had on that day. I would have had our same amazing children but whisked them away, with you, somewhere less regimented. I would have let all of my feelings exist in the moments they belonged in....not blown up after repressing them in fear. You aren't unscathed and we both know that, but i had the power. I had the ability to make this life anything. Instead I curled up and quit. I took the path of least resistance thinking it would serve those I love the best. I now see that compromising your existence to please others is not effective. You wanted to exist with me already.
What now? I cant very well tear down 10 years of walls that I built rock solid in a day. In fact several weeks after realizing the hell I've created I am barely chipping at a solution to tear it down. I believe that all things, whether seemingly good or bad, have a core truth. I believe in us, and at our core burns a fire that keeps me alive. With that belief also lives the fear that my same life sustaining fire is too hot for you to touch. It's there and you know it but you may never understand how I can stand in the flames and thrive when all they do is burn you. Somewhere in our time line I see relief. The pressure falls away and we live a shared, agreed upon life. My depth, however misunderstood, will be celebrated. You will be appreciated for who you really are...not just that your soul makes mine live. I fantasize about being able to stare in your eyes without being afraid or nervous. For you to be able to look back in mine and see contentment...not pain.
Im not dead. Im not gone. I can only hope I haven't killed you. We are a legend, a dream, a story for the ages. We are the butterflies in the beginning and the gut wrenching pain of the end. I am the heroine and the villain. While you are the hero and simultaneously the confused passer by. Looking from the outside at a person you only sometimes know. It isn't fair for you and I am too selfish to fix that. We all play roles in life. Mine is to feel so intensely that it breaks me. Yours, sadly, is to pick up the broken pieces every time.
Thank you for allowing me to need you so much. Fuck you for quitting when you have...
Your strength is unparalleled and tested at every turn. Sometimes I wish you were weaker.
