With that visual in mind and the possible methods of prevention of the destruction of that....building...one might ask, why would you let it fall apart? Surely in the case of sudden explosion we can't do much. Watch it burn and accept we must rebuild from nothing. But the decay, the slow descent into being condemned, we could prevent that, right? We could call the plumber, the exterminator, fix the broken pieces and salvage the building. Yet so many of us don't bother, overwhelmed by how much work it would be we let it cave in and take us with it. At least I do, in my emotional house.
For a while I tried to fix the broken bits. Lose the weight and dress the part. Try new things, make better choices. I would smile when I didn't want to until it feels like that smile made sense. Things were afloat and I was maintaining my own structural integrity. Then one day my world caught on fire, I tried to put it out and it just kept burning. The cancer, the pain, the surgeries and the consequential emotional abandonment from my husband engulfed my whole being. I couldn't get control of the fire and the whole thing burnt down. There I was, sitting in a pile of the ashes of my life wondering how I got there. What of karma and its supposed importance to how we treat others and what we will receive in return. How was I here.
So it's gone and we rebuild, or so I said. Perhaps a stronger person would have. Perhaps it's not too late, but I struggle to see how I will stand from this wreckage and create something new. Instead I sit in the ash, grasping at burnt bits of my life wishing there were a way to fix it all. So many times I have looked outside myself for help, for validation, for purpose. I beg the people I value the most to see me as I see them. Yet all they see is a singed heap of desperation begging for something they cannot give.
