Denial

A certain amount of time passes after an event and when that time has passed we are then expected to move past it as if it never happened. Each event gets its own separate time limit depending on the severity. No one will ask you how long you need, this time limit won't be discussed. Shoulders to cry on will simply shrug away. Listening ears will go deaf to your words. You will be a redundant bother to many but no one will tell you out loud. As your faithful companions begin to lose faith the weight grows heavier. Staying quiet so as not to stir up problems, you will soon forget what your voice would sound like if you were to allow it to speak. So many times your mouth will shy open only to close quicker than you could process the thought. Why stand up when you'll only have to sit back down. Driven by fear and pain the sickness has already consumed you when you weren't even looking.
       I am no more than a memory in my own mind of whatever i once may have been. I hold no life in my heart and I cling to the remnants of what I thought made happiness. I am torn down and unable to rebuild no matter how solid I may seem. I go through the motions wishing they meant more. Wishing every day that I could simply wake up and FEEL. Feel anything at all, something more than empty pain. Something real.
       How do I simply step into the other side of stagnant disappointment? There is no more mask, no cover, no way to hide from the dependant lives around me. If I knew how to be the person trapped inside I would gladly open the gate. If I could trust her just to "be" and not only to perform perhaps the clouds would just drift away.
   

The Evolution of my Personal Love Story

Ive never been one to ignore a gut feeling. Despite my cautious attitude that has only evolved in this particular phase of life, I am impulsive and proud of it. I don't remember the moment I first saw you, and the subsequent memories after that are almost certainly altered and distorted. But the feelings...those are real and vivid. I felt drawn to you with such intensity that I was willing to compromise anything for you. Later on, hanging on by threads, this would be my biggest flaw. 

     Like anything I do I showed you my whole world. The fun, the silly, the wild. The sad stories and darkest memories. I let you in on quirks and jokes and little flaws and quickly opened the flood gates to the pain. I let it pour out and stain you. Tarnishing everything in its path but it always washed away...until it didn't. I can be overcome easily just thinking about the beginning, before you knew how difficult it could be. I felt powerful, amazing, strong and worthy...because you didn't know I wasn't yet. Maybe I never showed that. Maybe I never even felt that way, but the memory Ive created of us back then would be stronger than the truth. We were picturesque. A legend to be shared through the ages. Inseparable. Most remarkably, telling the story from where I am now...I was amazing. I shined like a star. I had light, true unmistakeable light that everyone could see pouring from my very soul

      It wasn't amazing for you. I let it decay without even noticing it. The light stopped shining and I walked around in the dark with an internal navigation system that seemed to click on like it had already been used many times. My writing darkened, my painting stopped. I looked at a perfect body of fresh possibilities and sliced it open to feel alive. I began to hate everything that lived in me so much that i forgot how to love anything at all. This part of the story transcends time. Its not singular...a repetitive event that I'm cursed to relive no matter how hard I would try to avoid it. Sometimes I can make it years, sometimes only weeks. But the darkness creeps in and without warning it chips away at our perfect story. We recover, and many years later after having fallen many times I still couldnt tell you at what price. 

         I live exclusively to find that same light that I radiated so long ago. Selfishly trying to find a purpose bigger than cleaning the house and teaching lessons on washing your hands properly. I am a person with depth and soul. I am more than a physical body on a conveyor belt on the assembly line of the american dream. I've gone from rule breaking to rule making. My everything has been crushed and my spirit is nearly dead. I wasn't built to last in a world like this but I hang on because I've never been one to start something without finishing it.That brings us to my greatest flaw, doesn't it? I would compromise anything for a life with you. I have compromised my everything for the life I thought you would want.

     You didn't want this. In a heightened glowing portion of our fairy tale we took steps down a path we didn't fit the mold for. A stronger version of myself would have broken that mold and done things much differently. I would have married you in a field wearing whatever I had on that day. I would have had our same amazing children but whisked them away, with you, somewhere less regimented. I would have let all of my feelings exist in the moments they belonged in....not blown up after repressing them in fear. You aren't unscathed and we both know that, but i had the power. I had the ability to make this life anything. Instead I curled up and quit. I took the path of least resistance thinking it would serve those I love the best. I now see that compromising your existence to please others is not effective. You wanted to exist with me already. 

          What now? I cant very well tear down 10 years of walls that I built rock solid in a day. In fact several weeks after realizing the hell I've created I am barely chipping at a solution to tear it down. I believe that all things, whether seemingly good or bad, have a core truth. I believe in us, and at our core burns a fire that keeps me alive. With that belief also lives the fear that my same life sustaining fire is too hot for you to touch. It's there and you know it but you may never understand how I can stand in the flames and thrive when all they do is burn you. Somewhere in our time line I see relief. The pressure falls away and we live a shared, agreed upon life. My depth, however misunderstood, will be celebrated. You will be appreciated for who you really are...not just that your soul makes mine live. I fantasize about being able to stare in your eyes without being afraid or nervous. For you to be able to look back in mine and see contentment...not pain. 

            Im not dead. Im not gone. I can only hope I haven't killed you. We are a legend, a dream, a story for the ages. We are the butterflies in the beginning and the gut wrenching pain of the end. I am the heroine and the villain. While you are the hero and simultaneously the confused passer by. Looking from the outside at a person you only sometimes know. It isn't fair for you and I am too selfish to fix that. We all play roles in life. Mine is to feel so intensely that it breaks me. Yours, sadly, is to pick up the broken pieces every time. 

        Thank you for allowing me to need you so much. Fuck you for quitting when you have...

Your strength is unparalleled and tested at every turn. Sometimes I wish you were weaker. 

profound depression from the point of view of the disease itself

I love the way our hair falls in front of just one eye.

I love the way our body shakes when you're about to cry.

It makes me feel so strong to tear you down to shame.

You should feel so honored to be a pawn in my little game.

Hold it back. Suck it up. Those feelings are just a lie.

Put on that smile. Stand up straight and let emotion simply die.

Read your lines and close our eyes. Walk the way I say.

Don't tell your friends, don't shed a tear. Just tell them that you're ok.

I am the voice inside your soul. I am the creeping pain.

I am the reason, I am the weight. I am your crutch and cane.

I tell you that you need me if you want to feel complete.

Im killing you, what a show. Come on now, have a seat.

You never stood a chance against me, I held you before you were born.

Now we are one, destroying all. A beautiful person....but torn.

Ripped and shredded. Cracked and Decayed. Broken and left to rot.

I am all you have to hold, the cold comfort you've always sought. 

It doesn't matter how you fight. You can't run from your very soul.

Eventually one day, so very soon, all that running will take its tole. 

You won't get up. The weight will grow. That last effort won't be there

Then I'll creep in to take your pain leaving only that vacant stare.

The rest will quit. They'll shake their heads. They'll walk away from what we are

Accept it...leave it. let them go. Whats just one more scar?