Smothered to Loneliness

I had decided before I started typing that this entry would be about loneliness and it took me some time to put to words how someone who has next to no time alone can be lonely. I suppose there are many forms of loneliness. Some are lonely, missing someone specific while others are lonely only because they were alone from the start. I think there may be a grey area combining the two. Then there is me....lonely while surrounded in people that seemingly have no idea who you are, or the perception they have isn't the one you meant to portray. Lonely because all of your thoughts are longer than anyone wants to listen. Lonely because the people that are willing to hear you are just out of reach until life can change enough to bring them back. Children have a funny way of filling your heart with love you didn't know you could have while draining the emotions you used to think you needed. I'm fairly trapped these days, regardless of what many other moms or parenting advice columns may say. I leave only when I have to in fear of what I describe to my husband as "the horror" that occurs during most outings. My friend choices can no longer be made by my own heart and mind but by a checklist of characteristics I find suitable to be around my children and a checklist of how much this friend can put up with from the monsters. There is a void there where freedom used to live, but also a feeling of pride and "challenge accepted". There are plenty of you that have made it through the screening process I call my life, I only wish now that you are accepted that I had the time or energy to reach out to you. Daily life is a series of loud noises, sudden distractions, messes, destruction and occasional adorable acts to make up for the previously listed events. Throughout this my mind is functioning at about 40% while my physical reflexes make up for the other 60%. After the 23rd time the bowl of crackers goes toppling off the table I can practically fly through the air in slow motion like something out of the matrix and catch the bowl without even realizing I did it. However I have trouble matching my socks or remembering if Im wearing makeup when I rub my eyes. The day ends. Brain function has dwindled to about 20% and the man I married is left with an empty shell of what used to be his wife. I can barely smile, I've either given up completely on the sofa or am running on "clean the house autopilot". I miss being more for him, I miss having time to be in love like teenagers, I miss us. To be honest, when I say I'm lonely its because I'm missing that one person nobody should ever lose. I miss me.