It's ok if it only bleeds on the inside

If I gave you all my money would it make you love me more? If I failed at life, if I had no chance, would it make you that much better? I wonder almost constantly what I can do to be what you want...and when I fail, and I always do, I go searching to please everyone else. Am I pretty enough? do I clean enough? are my children always happy? It doesn't really matter because in your eyes I am just an obstacle. A hurdle you just cant quite jump. Your words cut like razors. Just a small slice that spreads wide open as soon as the blade pulls away. But its a pain you wont let me feel. Stuff it down, hide it away...it's silly, its immature, it's not real. I cant help but wonder how much one can take of the illusion of hurt. Is there a breaking point if the weight isn't really there? It's all a matter of perception and yours will never match up with mine. The material world has a hold on you that no amount of love can free up. Sometimes I wonder, due to the extreme change, if the memories I have are fabricated. If your smiles or encouraging words were ever really there at all. Maybe I have existed as a disappointment or object to resent the whole time. Failure follows me like the cloud you taught me so much about. I climb and I climb to reach the top of my own self loathing pit only to see your foot at the top waiting to kick me back down. How do you have so much power over me and then seemingly none over yourself? So what can I do but accept life for what it is, I am nothing without you yet I will always wonder if I mean nothing to you.