Waiting to be Taken

Misery is a muse and an easy way out of averting stagnation and boredom. I call upon it to give me depth and purpose leaving all the in between moments empty and meaningless. What am I if not on the brink of destruction? Just another face in the crowd dying to be seen but blending in with the sea of beige. Even upon careful removal of the crowd itself I can't pique the interest of a solitary person who chose my company in the first place. I sit in this inbetween place bubbling up on the inside with no knowledge of when i will overflow or what it is that boils inside. When the lid blows off will euphoric joy spill from the top? Filling the air with intellect, perspective, love and realizations. Or will the pain be what's waiting to escape, not like the manic steam previously mentioned but a thick, bubbling, tar like, depression that will slowly seep out staining everything in its path. A substance unable to rise and float away. I welcome either as I feel empty and unseen otherwise, though if I'm being honest I'm in constant search of that steam. That perfect moment, that long care free night. The sensation of no consequences and absolute perfection. It is a distinct feeling of "This is right, this is meant to be. This is who we really are. I am seen". Mourning it's loss before it's even evaporated, I painfully accept each time that it can never last as long as the tar like depression that will always engulf it. Bringing me back down to reality and then slowly sinking below that to a darker place just as unrealistic as the mania that preceded. However dark that place may be, I'd sit in it for a lifetime before living in this unseen limbo. A place where I am a forgotten nothing, parading myself about only to realize there is no audience. Desperately seeking a deeper meaning, a purpose, a place I belong. I reject this limbo and revert to the only safe place i know. My muse, my pain, my pit of tar.  It may not be ideal but at least I know the road there and I can see that I'm welcome to a solitary cell at any time i should need to stay. Because I can't find a way to anywhere else, and misery, unlike my joy, is a place I can find alone.