No, I'm not okay, it's not okay, nothing is okay.....but that's okay

The pain is rooting into me, spreading like a cancer. Every part of me tied into it and being dragged down. It's hard to keep pretending I'm not falling apart or poetically spinning it to make it sound okay. Sadness is killing me. Be it literal or metaphoric, the destruction of my existence is in full progression and there's nobody left to turn to. Having tried multiple versions of myself, submissive, confident, big, small, an abundance of hair colors and clothing styles, social, antisocial, loving and withdrawn. I hate them all. There is no work to be done here, there is no exercise or therapeutic activity that can save me from this place I've fallen. And its so fucking lonely. I can't decipher reality anymore. Am I sad because you've shut me out, grown bored with me, and shoved me to the side? Is it the constant swing of being handed ALL of the love in overwhelming and illuminating abundance to being just another face in the room, invoking nothing inside of you. Or has my sadness, my pain, my loss of light to shine caused all of the love to give up on me. Searching over and over, cycling in and out only finding myself deeper and darker and sadder than i was the time before. Contemplating things we dare not speak aloud. Not for fear of being taken seriously but for fear of being laughed at. I want to reach out. I want to say "I'm not okay this time, this is not a drill", but the more I reach the further you pull away. The tighter I need held the looser your grip becomes. concerned and loving words from friends feel empty and forced, therapists aren't there when the cloud really moves in. Answers do not exist and my mind is on repeat SCREAMING over and over, "I'm so fucking sad it hurts, I'm so fucking sad it hurts!". Crying inside and spilling over to the outside at any moment I'm afforded the luxury of falling apart without inconveniencing anyone else. I just want to be held, like an inconsolable crying baby, but I can't ask to be held...because I would in fact feel like a needy, whiny, inconsolable, crying baby. Depression is lonely and anxiety is debilitating. But they're just words, diagnoses, categories to classify your pain. Naming it doesn't take it away, treating it doesn't leave you whole. Maybe some of us weren't meant to be "okay".