Final Thoughts on a Wound I Cannot Heal

I want so badly to feel better and my body just won't let go. My mind has been molded into a servant of pain and can't seem to stop trying to compromise it's well being for the contentment of others. Food is the enemy and toxic behaviors are my solace. Smiles are forced while tears are unstoppable. You spend so long thinking if you could just bring to light what is really happening, if you just received a shred of validation then things would heal and quickly. But they don't. If anything the flood of reality pours in. Suddenly you no longer have any culpability in the situation and you know it doesn't fall on you to fix it. Not just feel it but know it. For a moment it's a relief and the painful existence you've been living makes sense, only for a moment. After the initial relief comes the knowledge that you now have to trust the person that brought you down so far to find a way to pick you and their self back up and start over. You find yourself in the midst of a thousand questions. How will they do this? What is their plan? What if they can't and the cycle repeats again? Can I live through it even one more time? Uncovering truths that needed to be seen opens new suspicions showing you a side of yourself you don't want to experience. A less trusting side that can't imagine ever feeling safe or comfortable with the person you adored. All the while holding on to the intense love that no longer seems to make sense. No one has hit me, because I would never allow it. No one has called me degrading names or forced things upon me, because I am on guard and protect myself. But the pain I've encountered I couldn't see coming. It happened slowly and somehow with calculated manipulation that even the person doing it couldn't see. Because sometimes people hurt you and they don't even notice. Sometimes they hurt you and they don't even want to, seemingly with no control. Because of this it goes on for so long....so long that you get lost in the place you let yourself get put. I no longer know who I am and I've been wandering through this place, lost and scared, completely by myself for what seems like an eternity. I don't choose to dwell, I don't want to cry or get angry. I don't even want to have to assign blame. I just no longer have a choice. As if my mind and my body had a private meeting, perhaps while I slept, and they decided it's time to crumble because there's no where else to go. My hands tremble, everything tastes like shit, I smoke cigarette after cigarette watching each puff of smoke come out as if it were my last breath. I don't have much faith that it gets better from here only because I find it impossible to trust that anyone other than myself can fix it. And I finally accept that I cannot. It sounds like the rantings of a person in pain on the cusp of making better choices. It isn't. It's a person who will wait a life time for the love she chose. A sad and broken person who knows what she has hasn't been good for a while, but that the alternative isn't any better. Loneliness will consume me no matter what I do so I hold on to a tiny shred of hope that I am enough. That you will see me some day for what I am, not just what I am but what I am TO YOU. That I can finally reveal all the pain without fear that it will scare you away. Hope that instead of quitting or running you see that all I ever needed was loved, held, protected from the loneliness even if you are literally protecting me from yourself. It's the last hope I have and I can only wait in pain to see if it's worth holding.