Not ready to forgive and unable to heal, yet with no desire to quit or hold such resentment. I find myself in the exact same place of being unable to trust but wanting to, so badly. Your promises this time, so far, have stayed solid yet I live in fear that one bad day, one disagreement, one bitchy comment will make you remember when I just wasn't worth the effort. The effort itself makes me feel simultaneously worthwhile yet shitty. Someone is trying to make a change for me, trying to show me that I deserve love. But why would anyone have to try, why was I not deserving of effortless love in the first place? What made me first deserving of being disregarded and belittled? I can't tell if my reaction to the enormous pile of festering pain that has built was enough, perhaps too much or just right. If gut feelings are worth anything mine says not enough but I'm too afraid of letting out anymore. I've said all the words I thought I had until I felt I had drained it all out of my system. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore, rested alone and sad, then cried more. I reached out for support, I was held and have been treated with care. But it still hurts. It's not the pain itself, but the inability to make it stop no matter what I try. First powerless in my relationship and now powerless over my own state of mind I start to fill with rage. I bargain with a faceless higher power, "Why?! What could I possibly have done to feel so low?". Recounting every effort I've made on the grandest and smallest scales just to be good enough for everyone. It only makes me angrier. I want to yell it all at you. I want to tell you everything I've done right and how I deserved appreciation for it all. I want to hurtfully scream and break down, fighting my case that I am a necessary person. That I matter and life would not just go on without me. The problem is, I don't fully believe it and you seem to be in a place where you do now. This is the wreckage. While all the efforts to make the pain stop are needed and welcomed I still feel alone walking through my own mind. Ashamed that I can't just smile, that I'm still so on edge. Ashamed that I'm still crying inside and putting on a show on the outside because I don't want you to quit me. I can't let go of the idea that I'm holding it all up, but I know I have to stop. I have to give this one sided love story a chance at being more rather than writing a lie in my head for your side of it like I have for so long. So many questions remain and swarm. How do I stop holding it up? How do I trust you to fix this? Where do I put all this anger that can't possibly be useful in saving us? I feel grateful in the moment for the changes I already see, and selfish to ask for more yet still I crave answers. I just keep digging at the wound and wondering why it won't heal.
"We're just toxic together"
"I just think it's stupid" multiple times....
"Of course it was my idea, it's not like you'd suggest anything"
"Where is your ring?"
"Figure it out"
"It's not my fucking problem"
"I know you have a secret"
......silence...so much painful silence...
"Why have you never worn that for me"
"Ask your boyfriend"
.....inappropriately laughing while I cry.....
"I just don't like anything about you anymore"
"You need to have more confidence"
"Get a hobby, or a job, you need to leave more"
"Well yeah I love you, but only because you gave birth to our kids"
"I appreciate everything you do but it's not like I couldn't just do it myself"
"I'm going to make it better, I promise" (month ago, not now)
None of it healed because up until now it never stopped.
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