Simultaneous Conflicted Points of View

How Can They Both Be The Truth





Surely I am dying. A cancer or poison or slow working illness is creeping in to finally remove me from a world I don't belong in. It's as if no one has ever felt this before and the loneliness of my pain will eat me alive. I am an embarrassment in all that I do, never able to choose the right words for the right people at the right time. I'll never be enough. Leaving me caught between weeks of trying so hard I exhaust every part of myself and others where I give up entirely. Wishing for death because I'm far too cowardly to consider bringing it to myself. Lying alone wishing to be surrounded by attention I know I don't deserve. Paralyzed between what I want, perhaps need, and what I am too ashamed to ask for. Knowing that I'm ruining everyone and everything that I am responsible for, I have the audacity to keep moving forward. Raising children I have no right to destroy and holding on to a husband that could have had so much more. Even my dog looks at me with eyes of "why me?". Clinging to my contributions that mean nothing to anyone as an excuse to keep dragging them all down. The pain is so real, so physical regardless of how it manifested that way or what emotional state it came from. Look at me, Look at me, Look at me. I beg like an attention hungry child hoping that someone will say something to convince me that there is something to see. My body twists and turns in the mirror like a warped animation. Never giving me a clear concept of what you all see, but somehow despite that uncertain view I manage to convince myself it is bad. Not horrific or disgusting, no exaggerations to deter me and remind me I must be elaborating on what's really there. Just a steady well understood...bad... I want so badly to rest my mind in a place of acceptance on a road to contentment but know all too well that place doesn't exist.


I am a healthy capable woman who suffers from well hidden, yet at times, severe anxiety and depression. Due to many different circumstances through the course of my life I choose to manage this without medical intervention and I am aware that I will be ok. Even with the darkest thoughts I can have I am still more than able to run a household and raise well adjusted children. My husband, while wonderful, is not "out of my league" and I know we each deserve each other. We are equally talented and flawed in separate ways giving us at most times a well balanced relationship. The things I do matter.I make a difference and without me life wouldn't be the same or as fulfilling for several people. We all deserve love and recognition and it's perfectly ok to point out your accomplishments sometimes. My appearance is average. Without the aid of vibrant hair color or eye catching clothes I mostly blend in with a crowd and that is normal and ok. Statistically I am slightly overweight but again, nothing noticeable amongst others. On occasion, if I put forth an effort I may even turn a head and attract positive attention about my appearance. I accept I am aging at a normal pace and everything is as it should be. The aches and pains I experience are relative to my activities or lack thereof. The stereotypical weight in my chest, the tingling in my body and the occasional racing of my heart are merely symptoms of my mental illness and if I'm honest with myself I should seek treatment. The illness itself causes me to second guess that and never take necessary steps. I will likely live a long life and people will recall me fondly when I pass at an appropriate time of a perfectly average cause.